I first heard from Michael in April. He called me from Los Angeles, and we met virtually not long after. That first call lasted over an hour.
Soon after, I met with Michael and his sister, Kristin and that’s when I got to know more about their 83-year-old mom—a woman they described as a force of independence and a role model of free-spirited living. She had always done things her way, and her children admired her deeply for it.
Mom had suffered a stroke. Before that, Michael told me she was “very independent, lived on her own, drove herself around and was an artist. She paints the most incredible paintings, it’s hard to see Mom any other way.”
Kristin lives in Rhode Island, and shares her brother’s fierce dedication to their mother’s well-being. She even offered to move in with mom full-time, if and when mom is able to return home, to help with care. Together, they’ve been Mom’s biggest fans, strongest advocates, and careful planners–determined to ensure she has everything she needs to regain as much independence as possible.
“She’s been through a lot,” they told me, “but her progress has been miraculous.” Their mom had been working hard to rebuild strength and regain mobility. She was slowly starting to sound like her old self again.
Mom had planned well legally and financially–it wasn’t a matter of missing paperwork or unchecked boxes. But no one can truly plan for this, or what happened next.
A urinary tract infection triggered a sudden spiral. She was back in the ER then back to the nursing home. Like so many older adults, it started to look like she was caught in that all-too-familiar pendulum: hospital to nursing home and back again. Michael and Kristin kept a close watch and relied on me as a sounding board as they navigated this challenging time.
Once mom was back at the nursing home, her health insurance denied coverage for an extended rehab stay. There was no clear long-term path, but it was evident that she couldn’t return home. Without insurance they were told that Medicare coverage would only last a few days. An extension was requested but time was running out. A transition to long-term care at her facility was necessary and as a private pay resident, her out of pocket cost would be $455 per day.
Amid all the financial uncertainty, Michael and Kristin had growing concerns. The sterile, clinical, almost-ER type setting of the nursing home felt a world away from the life their mom had built–one filled with nature, beauty and the familiar things that made her life hers.
Convinced that the “environment was fueling her decline,” they began to wonder: “could a different setting restore mom’s spirit.”
I had an opportunity to meet with mom and her two adult children. The more I learned about mom and the family–and knowing that this would be a private pay situation–I wanted to equip them with real options that honored what mattered most to their mom.
A clinical recommendation to transition from rehab to long-term care shouldn’t automatically box families into one path. When safety can be reasonably managed, it’s not only appropriate–it’s necessary–to consider more than a clinical directive.
This is where advocacy matters.
For this family, what they knew in their hearts–that their mom’s spirit and surroundings mattered just as much as her care plan–guided every decision. That clarity helped me help them. Together, we found a path that respected her needs and honored who she is as a person.
I visited a few communities in advance and found a small private-pay setting surrounded by trees and nature, with a caring staff that took the time to uncover what truly mattered to mom. Later that week, her son traveled from Los Angeles to join his sister and me for a tour. By the end of their visit, after spending time with the staff and learning more about the environment, something shifted. They discovered that several other artists lived there–and their artwork was proudly displayed for all to enjoy.
“This chapter of Mom’s life,” they said, “is as close to home as we’re going to get.”
It’s been two months since Mom transitioned to a new nursing home, where she is paying privately. And sure enough, she began to make real progress–just as her family believed she could, if given the right environment.
As her family described:
“There are days she’s very alert and conversational. She’s feeding herself again. She still struggles with eating enough, but it’s better than before. And–she’s on her feet again, using a walker. Even her memory seems a little sharper. She still has hard days, but overall, her progress is pretty awesome. Even the staff has noticed it.”
This wasn’t about one nursing home being “better” than another. It was about finding the right setting, one that felt more aligned with her. A place that offered not just care, but connection. Where the environment sparked a little more energy, purpose and recognition of the person she has always been.
Because dignity in care isn’t just about safety and services. It’s also about being seen, understood, and supported in ways that reflect who you are.
Having advocates in your corner matters.
Because no matter where you are in life, if you’re lucky, you have a chance to grow older–and maybe even older still. Here’s to the advocates out there and to those who understand what matters knows no age limit.
Helen Hames is a Certified Senior Advisor and the Founder of Age Ambassador. She helps older adults and families across Rhode Island navigate the complex decisions that come with aging–whether that means staying safely at home or transitioning to senior living. With deep expertise and a personal approach, she believes that each person’s values and priorities should shape the path ahead. Helen connects people to trusted resources that support aging well at any stage–helping them take meaningful steps to what matters most. Learn more at AgeAmbassador.com.
