Tyler’s Two Cents: Independence Day in Newport, Do’s & Don’ts

However, every year there are a few individuals who take things too far and have one too many Mike’s Hard Lemonades at the family barbecue.  The last place you want to end up is in a holding cell at the Police Department (especially after the events that transpired there earlier this week…).  Here’s a few key points to keep yourself and your friends out of trouble in Newport this weekend.  

1 –  Do play nice.  Mutual respect is essential.  Instead of throwing insults at one another, compliment each other on wearing the same exact tank top that you purchased from a website off of your Facebook timeline.  Sure it’s a weird feeling when you walk into a bar and someone is wearing the same exact outfit but if you thought you were going to be the only dude wearing the ‘Bill  Clinton Lady Killer’ shirt, you’re naive.  

2 – Don’t try to be more American than anyone else.  We are all American.  We all love America.  USA, USA, USA.
 
3 – Do enjoy all that Newport has to offer.  The forecast is calling for a glorious weekend so get down to the beaches, go out to the bars and restaurants and take it all in.  Grab an overpriced frozen mudslide, enjoy a scalding hot bowl of cream based soup in the 80 degree heat, take a sunset sail even if you get easily sea-sick.  This is your weekend, live it up, get wild.  
 
4 – Don’t shoot off fireworks if you don’t know what you’re doing.  Sure, anything with pyrotechnics is a blast (zing!) but you don’t want to end up like Jason Pierre-Paul come Monday night.  Leave this part of the festivities to the experts.  
 
5 – Do make sure to pace yourself.  This weekend is a marathon, not a sprint.  Although day drinking is one of the most fun daytime activities when it’s 85 and sunny, be sure to hydrate and ease into it rather than going 200mph only to pass out cold at 5pm before dinner.  The last thing you want to do is lose control of your bowels when you’re dancing at The Landing.  
 
6 – Don’t show up to the cookout empty handed.  This is a golden rule and should be a federal law.  Solo cups, pasta salad, whatever.  Just bring something.  Unless there’s a cold keg of Keystone Light being offered, be sure to see if your host needs any other libations.  Common courtesy folks, that’s all.  
 
7 – Do be patient.  Traffic is going to suck.  It is inevitable.  However, as you’re crawling down America’s Cup trying to find the closest $25 parking lot, take a breather, roll down the windows and remember that you get to spend the weekend in beautiful Newport, Rhode Island.  Also, don’t get upset when scooters wiz by your idle vehicle, that’s why we have them.  
 
8 – Don’t hit on other people’s girlfriends, that’s poor form.  There are plenty of fish in the sea and I’m not rocket scientist but I can surely predict there will be herds of bachelorette parties in town this weekend.  Sure it may be exciting and dangerous to invite a random young lady who is in a committed relationship to the Amalfi coast directly in front of her boyfriend but that’s just going to cause problems and this weekend isn’t conducive to that tom-foolery.  Move along and try again.  
 
9 – Do be sure to thank your military personnel.  As there is every holiday weekend, there will be plenty of sailors from the Navy out about town.  Take a minute to thank them for their service and remember all who loyally serve our country so that we can enjoy holidays like this.  
 
10 – Don’t forget what the 4th of July is all about.  Independence Day isn’t just a mediocre 1990’s movie that has an unnecessary sequel being released later this week.  We live in an amazing place.  Be sure to appreciate that at some point this weekend.  

Have fun, be safe & God Bless America.