Vince Burks of Kingston, RI has a favorite expression drawn from the Lee Ann Womack hit song “I Hope You Dance”: “When you get the chance to sit out or dance, I hope you dance.” He doesn’t recall where he first came across the words, but they resonated so deeply that today the words hang in a frame on his home office wall. At 65, three years into retirement from a career that culminated with his role as Vice President of Communications at Amica Mutual Insurance Company, the sentiment continues to guide him. In this new chapter – unstructured, exciting, and at times messy – those words propel him forward as he navigates a mix of trauma, hope, joy, purpose and fun.
Reflecting on his long career, Vince said: “I worked for Amica for 37 and a half years. I had a pension and a 401(k). A lot of people were retiring at 55, but I didn’t want to do that. As I started to get older, 60, 61…I felt like the older person in the room and I didn’t like that. It was time. I had been there a long while and had a tremendous staff. I was surrounded by young and talented people, it was a reminder that it was their turn — just as it had been mine nearly four decades ago.”
But sometimes…life derails even the best planned bucket list.
“My CEO asked for a one-year notice, so in May 2021 I let him know I’d be retiring in May, 2022. I had it all lined up — a long vacation, getting certified in Pickleball, plenty of plans,” Vince recalled.
Just one month before his retirement date, Vince was diagnosed with metastatic throat cancer. He retired a few weeks early and began a very different journey: rounds of testing and treatment at Dana Farber Cancer Institute.
Ironically there’s a structure and cadence one can depend on when they are in the midst of a career, and Vince was no exception.
“I was handed a structure that I didn’t want, but strangely, I knew every day what was going to happen: radiation, chemo, speech therapy and the cumulative effects of treatment. As emotionally difficult as it was, the structure of cancer distracted me — not in a good way — but I managed the days moment by moment.”
When the treatments were complete and Vince was on the road to healing, he realized the real challenge was ahead. Getting past it, he said, was not as simple as it sounds and to Vince it meant he had to stop just filling his life and start living it.
“I live alone and at first I was filling my life with TV – and it was horrible. I’d get up and justify watching Good Morning America until 9, and then I’d justify watching the Today Show until 10 AM show. As I got my energy back, I pulled myself away from TV and started doing things. I tried the Osher Lifelong Learning Institute Classes (OLLI) classes at URI — too soon. I joined a bowling league — too soon. I knew I had to get back to what I really love and that’s swimming. I needed to swim, and I needed to compete again.”
“Swimming for me is not just physical; it’s emotional and spiritual. I had a feeding tube from my cancer treatment. I had to convince my doctors to take it out so I could swim again. Once I got back in the water, I was in. I felt like myself. I was slow at first but I was in.”
Vince put it plainly: “Whether it’s comfortable or not, you have to make things happen.”
A 2024 Transamerica survey found that only about half of retirees say they have an active social life, and more than a quarter admit that they often feel unmotivated, anxious, or even depressed. For many, including Vince, when the structure of a career goes away, retirement can feel less like freedom and more like, “what next?”
“I’m an extrovert so I get energy from being around other people. Living by myself, I got a lot of my social connection from work. Living alone and sick I realized I wasn’t getting that energy. I had a lot of support but the fact that I didn’t have people around drained me. I had to put myself out there.”
Research says that around age 52 many older adults begin to feel invisible. For Vince, and many others, it’s troubling — from the barista who doesn’t look up when you order, to being passed over in conversations, to feeling dismissed in doctors’ offices. It’s those small, public signals that chip away at a person’s sense of being seen and valued.
Vince explained it this way: “A big part of my personality is that you’re not defeated until you give in. No matter your age, you have to keep trying. For me, I started to feel invisible in public. You can’t expect other people to do things for you, you have to do it yourself. At 52, after being married for a long time, I came out and shared that I’m gay. I had, and continue to have, a lot of support from family and friends. But in my 60s, I started to have issues with confidence and facing rejection while attempting to date — it can knock you down.”
According to a 2022 Age Wave/Edward Jones study, one in three new retirees said they struggled to find a sense of purpose once their career ended. For Vince — who isn’t giving in — perhaps the journey of finding purpose is the purpose.
“I struggle with my sense of purpose,” Vince admitted. It’s not anything I have solved, but I’m a big list maker. I have a list of things I currently enjoy, used to enjoy but don’t do as much anymore, and things I’ve always wanted to try. There is richness in my list. It’s about letting yourself go wild without judging yourself.”
“I ask myself, do I need more challenges, Wordle everyday isn’t going to cut it. It just can’t be only reading. I need to interact with other people and find environments where I’m involved in a discussion. I enjoy seeing differences in opinion. I’m back at OLLI and it’s good for me. I like that I’m being challenged. I’m taking a Shakespeare class — awesome. I didn’t appreciate it in high school but I love it now.”
A meaningful path is unique to us all and always a work in progress. When I asked Vince what feels fun and freeing for him right now — and how he hopes to build more of that into the years ahead — Vince didn’t hesitate.
“Swimming is fun and freeing. Ocean swims are incredible. It’s incredible to experience the vastness of the ocean with a buddy, competing with friends, connecting to nature and people at the same time — that’s freeing. It’s about shared moments, relationships and being present together.”
He added: “It’s hard to get excited about new things because we’ve experienced so much. But I’m heading to the Galapagos Islands next year, and I’m looking forward to the nature and wildlife.
When I asked Vince what matters most, he didn’t waver: “Being relevant. Don’t look through me — I’m here…I’m not invisible.”
And for Vince who intentionally chose to not sit out the big dance, his path to finding purpose is anything but invisible — it’s deeply and unmistakably relevant.
Helen Hames is an Aging Advisor and Founder of Age Ambassador, where she helps older adults and their families navigate the complex decisions that come with aging. Whether planning to age at home, exploring community living, or clarifying what matters most in the years ahead, Helen provides trusted guidance every step of the way. She was honored with the 2025 Senior Champion of the year award for her advocacy and personalized support of older adults.