First I would like to apply a disclaimer to this post: everything said here is 100% satire and 100% serious.
Ok Ladies, this one’s for you (especially). Let me start off by saying that this particular post is not intended to be sexist. As a quasi feminist myself I can admit that I do not condone exploiting my gender unless the circumstances desperately call for it (maybe that was a lie). All I’m saying is, if you have lemons make lemonade (or some at-home hair lightener) and if you have two X chromosomes make free SoCo Lime shots.
If you’re like me, at all, you know that money is tight. But if you’re also like me, you know that you aren’t going to let a little red in your bank account keep you from having a good time, even if Fanny Mae is breathing down your neck and blowing up your phone.
It’s a Saturday night and you’re ‘poor’. Everyone’s going to the bar, you have no booze in the fridge, no boyfriend or love interest trying to buy you booze, no one wants to lend you money for booze because they picked up the tab last week and, assuming, you’ve mooched again since then, blah blah blah, you get it.
If you’re a college student or a recent graduate, you’re probably considering cooking up some Annie’s Mac & Cheese (or Ramen if we’re literally pinching pennies at this point), stealthily stealing your roommates Netflix password and calling it a night.
No, No, No. Absolutely not.
First of all, Ramen is probably radioactive and has absolutely not place in your body. Second of all, there is no way that your’e going to let a little money troubles keep you from putting your second hand boots on and walking your cute little booty to the bar.
So, you’re at the bar – what now? YOU LIE. Or, fib (my Grandfather used to call it ‘fibbing’ and it always made me feel better). But perhaps we could consider this one a classic ‘white lie’ because, let’s be honest, you aren’t hurting anyone! You’re just trying to have a good time, and when you have a good time, everyone else has a good time. Am I right?
Personally, I am a terrible liar and lying gives me anxiety, so I usually have my friends lie for me.
First, be nice to the bartender. There is nothing better than having a bartender as your friend, unless it’s another stingy friend .. or a raging prohibitionist, but this isn’t the 1920’s and you don’t have a dime so it’s time to work it.
Second, It doesn’t hurt to casually slip in to conversation that it just so happens to be your birthday. When I say, ‘casually‘ I mean, as loud as you can, or pick your loudest, best actress of a girlfriend and have her scream it at the top of her lungs (this is the white lie I speak of).
Everyone loves birthdays. Why? Birthday’s don’t segregate, because everyone has one! If you want to take this whole ‘birthday‘ thing to a new level, wear a sash or one of those dorky blinking tiaras. But the reason you’re reading this is because you’re poor and those plastic imports are a little pricey for being so tacky.
I feel like any male readers are seriously going to under-appreciate this post but if the bartender is a female, same rules apply, OR if there are any white haired female foxes in your general vicinity .. well, you know what to do.
I’ve actually never done this myself, so, if you do please let me know how it goes.
The Latest From WUN
- Tom Rush joins What’s Up Newp for a live virtual video conversation
- Newport School Superintendent joins What’s Up Newp for a live virtual video conversation
- What Sold: 22 Newport County real estate sales, transactions (Oct. 18 – 22)
- Obituary: Dorothy Ann “Dotti” Garman
- Elvis Costello and the Imposters playing PPAC Thursday, October 28