The Federal Highway Administration, which apparently never took a crash course in humor, is absorbing some jocular flak over its recent recommendations for restraint when states install amusing traffic safety signs.
These digital messages have been popping up for several years, and in Rhode Island, you may have seen the likes of: “There are plenty of zeppole left, slow down,” “That seatbelt looks great on you,” and “You drink! You Drive! = Handcuffs.”
Massachusetts seems fond of “Use Yah Blinkah;” Arizona has advised, “Hands on the wheel, not your meal;” and over the holidays Delaware posted, “Santa is watching, drive sober.”
Minus the Boston accent, Iowa has run with “Does your blinker work or what?”
Flashing the same advice at New Jersey drivers, a sign asked, “Nice car. Did it come with a turn signal?”
A sign in Mississippi declared, “100 is the temperature, not the speed limit.”
In a Fourth of July message, Pennsylvania came out with, “Don’t drive star-spangled hammered.”
The feds say they are not ordering an outright ban, just suggesting that state officials “use good judgment” and avoid messages “that may confuse or distract drivers.”
We of a certain age know the computer era did not pioneer witty highway signs. From 1926 until 1963, the boredom of long trips was eased along America’s highways by poetic messages touting Burma-Shave, a brushless shaving cream.
These were pungent couplets on small signs spaced 100 feet apart, each sign containing a single line of the complete verse. The display ended with a snappy punchline and the Burma-Shave logo.
The piquant verses may indeed have been distracting, but the signs were a welcome part of any journey by car.
Today, state transportation folks might take a lesson when it comes to safe-driving witticisms like these from Burma-Shave:
Heaven’s latest
Neophyte
Signaled left
Then turned right
Or,
Is he lonesome
Or just blind
The guy who drives
So close behind.
Outrageous punning was the order of the day:
Her chariot raced
At 80 per
They hauled away
What had Ben Hur
And:
Cautious bride
To her reckless dear:
Let’s have less bull
And lots more steer
Also hard to ignore was:
Past a schoolhouse
Take it slow
Let the little
Shavers grow
Naturally, such references to shaving dominated the company’s drive-by ads, including,
Use this cream
A day or two
Then don’t call her
She’ll call you.
And,
A chin
Where barbed wire
Bristles stand
Is bound to be
A no ma’am’s land.
The signs dispensed their share of patriotism, too, as in a wartime example:
Let’s make Hitler
And Hirohito
Feel as bad
As old Benito
Buy War Bonds
All these were attention-grabbers – and so are the contemporary digital ones, according to a study conducted by the Virginia Department of Transportation that concluded such messages are effective.
As for whether some might be inappropriate, that doesn’t seem an issue. The study reported that only 6 drivers out of 300 took offense at the anti-cell phone warning, “Get your head out of your apps” – even though “apps” was said to be suggestive of another word.
I’m with those who got a smile, and good advice, from that particular message, so I’m declaring it the best of the modern bunch.
And if you disagree, feel free to call me a horse’s apps.
Gerry Goldstein (gerryg76@verizon.net), a frequent contributor, is a retired Providence Journal editor and columnist.